i wanted to write you a letter,

i've been dreaming in black and white. i've been dreaming that my phone keeps ringing. its an important call, but i keep missing it. i constantly look at my phone but there's always missed calls.

i wanted to write you a letter, 

but i can't because it would sound like i am leaving. i want to tell you i feel lost, i don't know where i want to be. my only joy is the drive from point a to point b. my emotions are askew. i feel like i am drifting, not away. i have no control over the current. but i am disconnected. i can feel it when i talk. i can feel it when i watch. but then again, i also feel betrayed. i can taste the lies vomiting out of my mouth, like i haven't brushed my teeth in days - that fuzzy coating of plaque forever glued to my pearly whites. i'm not apart of it anymore, inside that hurts me but i know it hurts others more. this world is bigger than us. i am tiny, i am small. i want to tell you i'm confused. you know the trust game? where you fall straight back into the others arms? i can't play it because i always take the last step to save myself. but i don't think you could catch me, your knees would buckle under my weight. we'd crash to the floor. is that trust? i can smell your skin, its not sweet. i'm sweating, the backs of my knees are dripping. i switch into third. sorry, my car can only go so fast. i switch to fourth. FUCK OFF. i speed up. my speedometer hits ninety, but we know thats really only less than seventy. they cut in front. god, fuck you. i switch lanes. relax. its a highway. relax. it doesn't matter. relax. dug is tired. i'm sitting in the parking lot, i want to tell you that i don't care. i want to tell you i don't know what love is. i want to tell you i am empty. my insides are gone. you took them out, tied them together, and threw them over the telephone wire. you bitch. i needed those. i run for the telephone post. i am skin and bone. my bones grind. i climb the post. i have nothing to lose. bitch. if i fall i am just bones. fucking bitch. i want to tell you it doesn't matter. it does.

i wanted to write more,