another update of sorts,

People left in napa think the best night of their lives is sitting in someone's house drinking and playing beer pong. I don't want to sit around watching really annoying girls get drunk and fling themselves onto douchebaggy looking guys. I'm wasting my time. Tonight I sat on a stool at Gabe's house drawing on my arm because there wasn't any paper. Once I enter quiet mode I can't get out. Also, Gabe doesn't know how to spell 'quiet'. He spelt it 'quite'.

Gabe: Are you having fun?

Annie: Why do you always ask me that?

Gabe: Because you don't look like your having fun.

Of course I'm not having any fucking fun. It's like, the most unfun thing anyone can do: watch people play beer pong.

James: This is you. [imitates me sitting and drawing]

Ashley: You look depressed.

Annie: I'm not depressed.

I want to leave so bad. There is so much more outside of Napa and people left in Napa are so depressing, this is all they know and it's shitty as fuck. I miss the enjoyment of leaving for three months and being excited to come back.

I always do this to myself, but there's no one else around. I need people around me, but I don't even like these people. Well, I don't like half of them.

Horse-face (i.e. Ashley) asked me about my, what she referred to, as my 'love triangle' of James and Gabe this evening:

Horse-face: I heard about you, James, and Gabe and your 'love triangle'.

Annie: Oh yeah? That was a good solid two weeks of fun...

Horse-face: Did you like Gabe?

Annie: I thought he was attractive but I wouldn't say I 'like' him anymore.

Horse-face: It's weird how people change in situations.

Annie: How did you get wind of all this?

Horse-face: I just started hanging out with Gabe and James after it happened. I asked Gabe about it and he said about as little as possible, James was pretty pissed though.

Annie: Yeah, I know. But James and I are still good friends after all the extra shit.

Horse-face bitch, she always tells me how much she loves me when she gets drunk. I don't even fucking know you, and I don't care to get to know you. I have been hanging out with James a lot though. I enjoy his company. Gabe, not so much. I can do without. I can do without because I don't know where I stand with Gabe. In fact, I don't know where to stand at all when he's around. I've passed the point of caring though, now I see him and my face blanks. 

I've been having exceptionally realistic dreams. Most of which involve me telling off Gabe in the most spectacular ways, everything just falls perfectly into my lap and his stands there with his mouth gapping open. Although, one dream became far to realistic for my liking. Last Sunday I dreamt Cameron was telling me I didn't feel well, he finally convinced me. At three in the morning I woke up in a sweat and I stared at my ceiling and I really didn't feel well, I ran to the toilet and spent an hour throwing up.

And then Ian Curry calls me like every other day to go play saxophone with him at some random guys party. I usually deny the invitation because I am with people. Although I wouldn't mind going to play my sax with Ian but it's incredibly awkward being surrounded by people I really don't know and they all happen to be drunk and really stoned - or something along those lines. I don't want to be a wallflower at their party, even though Ian would just be the one initiating conversation and I would really have nothing to worry about. But regardless, it's weird and I'm not very good at saxophone right now.

I have to get onto all the rest of my college applications. I need that reassurance that I will be leaving next fall. Wait, I keep forgetting I have to attend the JC in the spring too. Fuck. The semester system is shitty as fuck.

Carmen, come home! 

how short is too short?

i think i really, really want it. 

the hair cut, not the bathing suit.

Prostitution:

my first stop-motion animation. 

an offering,

an update of sorts.

 

i started with daniel. i told daniel, two nights ago

a: i had sex with gabe.

d: oh....okay....

a: you have nothing to say to that?

d: what am i suppose to say?

now i get a fucking text from him everyday asking what i am doing cos he wants to talk about it, i gave you a fucking chance to say your shit and now i have to get a text every fucking five minutes.

last nights text to daniel: "can you stop texting me right now."

last night:

gabe was sitting 5 feet away, notice the distance but still persistence, i guess:

g: annie, whats wrong?

a: i don't know

g: did you have to much to drink?

a: no

g: well then what's wrong? 

[there was a lot of this shit back and forth]

a: it's my fault, and i told james

g: why did you tell james? i told you not to tell james.

a: i don't fucking know. [because i was left at the cabin for three days staring at the fucking floor, mulling over what everything meant, what it meant to me, and what it meant to you. and i had to fucking say something cos i didn't fucking now. clearly, these words were not said.]

i said sorry more times than i can count on both my hands. but i was told i shouldn't feel bad, its not my fault, and to stop worrying about it because its okay.

g: its okay

a: what does okay mean?

............

then i smoked nearly my entire pack of cigarettes, two shots of vodka, gabe pinched my cheek, i had at least three spectacular conversations with billy rogers, danced with tim and liz to MGMT in the back room, james hugged me goodbye:

j: its not your fault

a: alright, i know its not my fault i just had to be fucking honest which is why i told gabe, because i am not going to fucking sit around and let this shit sink in. if theres anything i value its friendship and honesty and i hold that above everything else. [it was something along these lines, i pretty sure i slurred the last bits.]

i can't remember what james said, but kiss on the cheek and the forehead, and his farewell.

we had just been dancing to MGMT and i wanted a cigarette,

some bitch that wanted gabe's number earlier in the night (she's sitting on the couch being fucking annoying getting a message): you shouldn't smoke, cigarettes are bad for you.

annie: yeah, but i want one so bad and their soooo good.

now i'm outside on the porch with billy

a: stupid fucking bitch telling me i shouldn't smoke cigarettes, like i don't know what their fucking doing to me. i'll have a cigarette whenever the fuck i want. want to talk about destroying your body, stop drinking your fucking alcohol bitch, pretty sure your liver isn't to happy with you right now.

b: i've never smoked a cigarette in my life, and not once have i told someone they shouldn't smoke them.

a: good, and thats what puts us above everyone else's bullshit.

i left soon after that, tim drove me to my car. i said goodbye to liz, who i enjoy talking to a lot, hugged billy goodnight (he twisted his ankle dancing), hugged gabe goodbye, and said my goodbye to tim.

i listened to GirlTalk on the way home.

an over all summary of my night i guess. i don't know if this is going to change anything in terms of friends. i called sarah mid-evening to make sure i did the right thing, and she seems to think so. although, she knows and i know i have to get more information out of this. 

but everything seems to be patched up again. now i've just got to bite the bullet and talk to gabe. 

big holes for big sluts.

i'm digging myself a pretty big hole here and i could really use a cigarette.

like, this hole feels fucking enormous.

zee finale rezultz:

coherent collage:

collage with drawing:

space collage :) :

abstract collage, i don't know if i like this or not:

pearl likes the art work:

she likes it a lot: