astroNUT: 2008.09

i started with daniel. i told daniel, two nights ago

a: i had sex with gabe.

d: oh....okay....

a: you have nothing to say to that?

d: what am i suppose to say?

now i get a fucking text from him everyday asking what i am doing cos he wants to talk about it, i gave you a fucking chance to say your shit and now i have to get a text every fucking five minutes.

last nights text to daniel: "can you stop texting me right now."

last night:

gabe was sitting 5 feet away, notice the distance but still persistence, i guess:

g: annie, whats wrong?

a: i don't know

g: did you have to much to drink?

a: no

g: well then what's wrong?

[there was a lot of this shit back and forth]

a: it's my fault, and i told james

g: why did you tell james? i told you not to tell james.

a: i don't fucking know. [because i was left at the cabin for three days staring at the fucking floor, mulling over what everything meant, what it meant to me, and what it meant to you. and i had to fucking say something cos i didn't fucking now. clearly, these words were not said.]

i said sorry more times than i can count on both my hands. but i was told i shouldn't feel bad, its not my fault, and to stop worrying about it because its okay.

g: its okay

a: what does okay mean?

............

then i smoked nearly my entire pack of cigarettes, two shots of vodka, gabe pinched my cheek, i had at least three spectacular conversations with billy rogers, danced with tim and liz to MGMT in the back room, james hugged me goodbye:

j: its not your fault

a: alright, i know its not my fault i just had to be fucking honest which is why i told gabe, because i am not going to fucking sit around and let this shit sink in. if theres anything i value its friendship and honesty and i hold that above everything else. [it was something along these lines, i pretty sure i slurred the last bits.]

i can't remember what james said, but kiss on the cheek and the forehead, and his farewell.

we had just been dancing to MGMT and i wanted a cigarette,

some bitch that wanted gabe's number earlier in the night (she's sitting on the couch being fucking annoying getting a message): you shouldn't smoke, cigarettes are bad for you.

annie: yeah, but i want one so bad and their soooo good.

now i'm outside on the porch with billy

a: stupid fucking bitch telling me i shouldn't smoke cigarettes, like i don't know what their fucking doing to me. i'll have a cigarette whenever the fuck i want. want to talk about destroying your body, stop drinking your fucking alcohol bitch, pretty sure your liver isn't to happy with you right now.

b: i've never smoked a cigarette in my life, and not once have i told someone they shouldn't smoke them.

a: good, and thats what puts us above everyone else's bullshit.

i left soon after that, tim drove me to my car. i said goodbye to liz, who i enjoy talking to a lot, hugged billy goodnight (he twisted his ankle dancing), hugged gabe goodbye, and said my goodbye to tim.

i listened to GirlTalk on the way home.

an over all summary of my night i guess. i don't know if this is going to change anything in terms of friends. i called sarah mid-evening to make sure i did the right thing, and she seems to think so. although, she knows and i know i have to get more information out of this.

but everything seems to be patched up again. now i've just got to bite the bullet and talk to gabe.